Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
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[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
What is going on? 😅
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”