[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
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Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
December birthdays be like…
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what