My favorite yoga pose is “try to cut the toenail”
Being Asian means I will look 20 until I turn 65 then the next day I look 2000.
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Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I don’t understand bow ties. What, is your neck a gift?
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I “pet zone” girls. It’s like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??