You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
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Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
When you let grandma cat sit
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!