@AimeeHelene1

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

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@just1fool

*Drives by train wreck*

Train wreck:”I have a boyfriend.”

@DanMentos

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

@brianbowman73

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

@supaj76

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

@bestvibess

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

@T_N_Crumpets

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

@weinerdog4life

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond