*Drives by train wreck*
Train wreck:”I have a boyfriend.”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
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[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
8. Which is your least favorite character?
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Black Friday through the years:
2013: Thursday 8pm
2020: 4th of July
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond