They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
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Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
WINNIE THE POOH: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
ME: Use regular words you half naked glutton
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Me: *doesn’t drink soda because it’s unhealthy*
Me: *drinks alcohol*
Friend: You look tired
Me: It’s been a long life