@bornmiserable

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

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@nicfit75

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

@GingerHotDish

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

@michaeldean0116

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

@Just__J0

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

@SvnSxty

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

@Home_Halfway

WINNIE THE POOH: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
ME: Use regular words you half naked glutton

@kelkulus

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

@trayofcheese

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

@drunk

Me: *doesn’t drink soda because it’s unhealthy*

Me: *drinks alcohol*