[being buried alive] you missed a spot
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I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.