[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
You Might Also Like
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.