[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
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Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*