[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
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“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!