[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
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Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.