[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
You Might Also Like
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.