[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
You Might Also Like
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
“our sushi is very fresh”
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.