[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
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I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend