[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
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true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
yeah 😭
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires