[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

You Might Also Like


As your goth healthcare advisor I urge you to sit by a fire, look out a window briefly, then continue reading about demonology.


For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”


If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.


I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.


No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.


I wish when someone called me my phone had an “Accept”, “Decline” and “Send Electric Shock” option.


[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.



FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
ME: The ghost of my mother.