@FeelingEuphoric

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

You Might Also Like

@NathanBgood

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

@anjeanettec

The best thing about being over 25 is that no one can find embarrassing Youtube videos of you as a kid.

@SortaBad

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay Iโ€™m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

@RobElliottComic

I don’t mean to sound like a tough guy but I’ve been in New York City for almost two hours and I’ve only cried like 31 times…

@ClickBaite

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

@PJisBeast

I used to sanitize my son’s bottles and Lysol his toys.

Then I caught him chewing on the dog’s tail.

@robknepper

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

@SICKOFWOLVES

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

@brittwastaken

There’s only two ways to do things: the easy way or the way I’m actually going to end up doing it.