*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
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If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Trumpy Cat
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started