[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
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If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
#titanic
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream