[being chased through the woods by a murderer]

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

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Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…


You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some midol.


Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.


My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash


[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up


My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.


Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.


My son finally overcame his fear and rode his bike without training wheels two weekends ago. Tonight he is googling dirt bikes and ATV’s because apparently he thinks he’s hardcore now