[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

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Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby


Guy: *reading my astronomy magazine over my shoulder on the train* What’s your favourite kind of space?

Me: Personal


I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.


No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.


[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.


[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?