[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
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Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
accurate
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Super Hand Dog Face
can’t talk my ride’s here
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.