Being dark skinned is a CHOICE. In just a few years, through prayer, celebrity Beyonce is almost completely white. You can change too.

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here are my new year’s resolutions:

• start going to the gym every day
• cut out sweets
• take some acting classes
• get that tattoo of an eye removed from my ankle
• marry violet in an attempt to secure the baudelaire orphans’ immense fortune


My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.


If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you


My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.


[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man


me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri


Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up