My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
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Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*