here are my new year’s resolutions:
• start going to the gym every day
• cut out sweets
• take some acting classes
• get that tattoo of an eye removed from my ankle
• marry violet in an attempt to secure the baudelaire orphans’ immense fortune
Being dark skinned is a CHOICE. In just a few years, through prayer, celebrity Beyonce is almost completely white. You can change too.
You Might Also Like
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up