*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
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Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.