[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
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I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
God, I love Scotland
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Breaking news:
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
yeah not falling for this one
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Monica just destroyed the internet
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes