@sofarrsogud

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

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@dreadnaught69

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

@TuSoonShakur

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

@ChrisIsJoking

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

@sensual_dad

just got into a fist fight at the grocery store because i was hoarding ALL of the sensuality

@Parkerlawyer

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

@WheelTod

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

@meladoodle

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes