[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
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” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Goodnight 🐶
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Breaking news:
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.