I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
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“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
“You never go out”
“Why are you always home?”
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
just got into a fist fight at the grocery store because i was hoarding ALL of the sensuality
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes