[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

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When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.


Anyone that says I’m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months


When someone loves you a lot they will buy you a burrito even when you’re not hungry so you can get fat and no one else will love you.


ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best


I’m just saying, if I were a bomb maker, I would make all the wires the same color.


What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.


Financial status: Googling “sell kidney”


Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point


BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya

ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.

BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya

ME: Again…