[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
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Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.