When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
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Anyone that says I’m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
When someone loves you a lot they will buy you a burrito even when you’re not hungry so you can get fat and no one else will love you.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I’m just saying, if I were a bomb maker, I would make all the wires the same color.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Financial status: Googling “sell kidney”
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya
ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.
BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya