It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
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You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
first you must answer his riddles
Me: “I’d like 3 ice cubes”
Refrigerator Ice Dispenser: “Here have 19”
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
My friend left his laptap on the floor in my living room. My other friend thought it was a scale. Conclusion: She weighs $950.