[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

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It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.


You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.


Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.


I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.


Me: “I’d like 3 ice cubes”

Refrigerator Ice Dispenser: “Here have 19”


Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.


Him: Fishing


ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.


My friend left his laptap on the floor in my living room. My other friend thought it was a scale. Conclusion: She weighs $950.