@CAshmanActor

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

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@iMikosnyc

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

@LindaInDisguise

You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

@ClichedOut

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

@delusions_of

Me: “I’d like 3 ice cubes”

Refrigerator Ice Dispenser: “Here have 19”

@Book_Krazy

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

@Shenaniglenns

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

@_NTFG_

My friend left his laptap on the floor in my living room. My other friend thought it was a scale. Conclusion: She weighs $950.