[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
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SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Super Hand Dog Face
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.