Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
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If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.