My mother in law:did you put the weight on?
Me:no…actually I’ve lost some. You should have seen me month ago. I looked like you
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
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I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
ME AT 15: oh no climate change is going to kill me
ME AT 25: good
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
me: nvm ur already high lol
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.