[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
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If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
oh u like geography? name every lake
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Not messing around
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in