*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
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me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.