Being funny is connecting two unrelated things and making a joke, said my parents

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If I had 9 lives I’d stick my butthole in your face too.


Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family


I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.


John: Hey Jude…

Paul: Don’t make it bad

George: Take a sad song…

Ringo: So weird how coffee is yummy hot or cold but gross in-between


There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.


Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.


My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn’t planning to spend that much..


Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.


The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.


This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs