I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Being funny is connecting two unrelated things and making a joke, said my parents
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What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother
Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I’ve decided I need to up my break dancing game.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before