@LeahTiscione

Being funny is connecting two unrelated things and making a joke, said my parents

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@chopper4jk

If I had 9 lives I’d stick my butthole in your face too.

@cervixsmash

Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family

@PaperWash

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

@SortaBad

John: Hey Jude…

Paul: Don’t make it bad

George: Take a sad song…

Ringo: So weird how coffee is yummy hot or cold but gross in-between

@kimtopher22

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

@david8hughes

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

@TheToxicWaster

My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn’t planning to spend that much..

@WilliamAder

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

@LindaInDisguise

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

@daemonic3

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs