Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
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Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”