Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
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This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
“no gods no masters” = leo
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born