Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

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I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow


I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.


“Why don’t you love me anymore?” I sob as I gather my belongings. “Is it because of the kleptomania?” I cry as I put your cat in my purse.


[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee


Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t


WIFE: Here, be careful. Lift with your knees

ME: My knees don’t have hands, how am I supposed to do that



WIFE: I don’t understand how you have a doctorate


[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.


Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.


shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot