I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
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I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
“Why don’t you love me anymore?” I sob as I gather my belongings. “Is it because of the kleptomania?” I cry as I put your cat in my purse.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
WIFE: Here, be careful. Lift with your knees
ME: My knees don’t have hands, how am I supposed to do that
WIFE: I don’t understand how you have a doctorate
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot