[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
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[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know