[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
You Might Also Like
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok