[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]

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My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him


If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, and love is a rhythm, then you are on LSD.


friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?


OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.


[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night


My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!


So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.


[job interview]

me: I guess my biggest weakness are questions

Interviewer: what do you mean?

Me: oh no