[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
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If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.