It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
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Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Somebody call the cops.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over