Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
[being held hostage]
ME: [dejected] I thought there’d be more actual holding involved.
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Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Last-minute gift idea!
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there’s a prize at the bottom.