[being held hostage]

ME: [dejected] I thought there’d be more actual holding involved.

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Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way


Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me



Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today


horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!


[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]


*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.


[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no


Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there’s a prize at the bottom.