[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
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Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
This will teach them to underestimate me
Sounds like a bargain
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.