I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
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Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
When you don’t understand how floors work
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Hotels are back
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.