@virtualhippie

Being high in front of your parents is like trying to do your best impression of yourself.

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@Kendragarden

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

@Asher_Wolf

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

@liv_thatsme

FIRST DATE

Me *dressed from head to toe like Darth Vader*

Him: Haha, are you dressed like that to celebrate the opening weekend of the new Star Wars movie?

Me (in Darth Vader voice): NO.

@jdforshort

Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.

@aka_fatman

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

@fro_vo

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

@RandomManik

Taco Bell is planning on doubling the ‘meat’ in their ingredients. Unlike Cadbury, they’re informing us in advance.

@jayonguitar

When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.