Being high in front of your parents is like trying to do your best impression of yourself.

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1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.


Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again



Me *dressed from head to toe like Darth Vader*

Him: Haha, are you dressed like that to celebrate the opening weekend of the new Star Wars movie?

Me (in Darth Vader voice): NO.


Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.


*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*



Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker


Taco Bell is planning on doubling the ‘meat’ in their ingredients. Unlike Cadbury, they’re informing us in advance.


When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.