Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
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Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Merry Christmas
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
This kinda thing happens to me often
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
classic mixup
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.