Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
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When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.