being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
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coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.