Being in your 40’s is playing a constant game of, why does this hurt? Is the color of this ok? Where did this hair come from?

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[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs


The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.


“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand


INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?


Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.


Whenever I see an account with a persons full name I always check to see if they’re famous or stupid


These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.


I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.


Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.