@Jessdaisy

Being in your 40’s is playing a constant game of, why does this hurt? Is the color of this ok? Where did this hair come from?

You Might Also Like

@PaperWash

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

@ericsshadow

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

@AmishPornStar1

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

@theSolemnBard

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?

@TheAndrewNadeau

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

@theshamingofjay

Whenever I see an account with a persons full name I always check to see if they’re famous or stupid

@Dexxe

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

@cydbeer

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

@prufrockluvsong

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.