When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
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If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Stop making fast and furious movies.