I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
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Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.