[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
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I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
repaired
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.