[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

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My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.


“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…


Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?


[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.


What kind of doctor are you?
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.


When a guy flirts with me I start blushing uncontrollably and I hide. Then I wait for them outside their house wearing a wedding dress.


I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”


[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.



best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”


The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.