Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
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I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.