Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

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If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.


last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner


I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.


I feel that it’s time to pick the kids up from school..so I’m going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass


i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community


Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?


Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean


“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner