@thedad

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

You Might Also Like

@RickAaron

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

@jonnysun

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

@kevinrowe1

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

@MissNaughty1801

I feel that it’s time to pick the kids up from school..so I’m going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass

@dubstep4dads

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

@Daveastated

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

@dumbbeezie

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

@AlanFelyk

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner