Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

first you must answer his riddles

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?