Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
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First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Beware of fowl play.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s