My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
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Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft