[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
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I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.